If you’ve just met someone and think there might be chemistry, you may feel the urge to build momentum by sending a thoughtful text. But what if you don’t receive a text back quickly? Does it leave you feeling exposed, anxious, and vulnerable? Or sometimes, when they do text back, but their text doesn’t match your expectations for how they should have responded, it can leave you feeling deflated and exposed.
If you had hopes or expectations that you would get a thoughtful, affirming response quickly, it’s easy to get stuck ruminating on why they haven’t responded, or what their brief response means. In this situation, whether it was their intention or not, you experience their actions as a rejection.
Putting the weight of expectation on a text to someone you barely know can compel you to read too much into their response, as if you could actually get important information about their interest. Sending that one text can open a Pandora’s Box of fear that you are somehow being rejected, because now their response is the only information you are using to assess the potential for establishing a real connection. The problem is that if you don’t know the person well in real life, it’s all too easy to assign a whole story about why they haven’t returned your text, or why their text doesn’t match your expectations.
Keep in mind that the story of rejection you’re already weaving may have more to do with your feelings about yourself than it does with the other person’s real feelings about you. No matter how often you’ve been warned that the way you receive a text may not be even close to the way it was intended, it’s extremely easy to apply your own tone, expectations, and personal interpretations. Most importantly, remember that if you do receive a text back that you experience as invalidating or disinterested, you are reading that text through your own lens without taking into account the fact that they may use texting to communicate differently and for different reasons than you do. The result may be that you inaccurately impose a tone onto their texts that reflects how you feel, leading you to misinterpret the sentiment behind the text.
With this in mind, Benn Grodin, LCSW and I have established the following do’s and don’ts for texting in a new relationship:
Do’s
1. If you are a prolific texter or put a lot of energy into how you worded the first text you sent, start with the assumption that they may not be as comfortable as you are with texting as a form of communication. Try to stay open the possibility that the other person does not view texting as a primary method of communication or does not find it suitable for discussing serious or emotional issues. Rather, in the beginning, try to use texting practically, as a way to communicate logistics if need be. Managing your expectations about how the other person uses texts to communicate will decrease the possibility that you will feel rejected or disappointed.
2. Operate under the assumption that even if you are very expressive via text, the other person may not be. Receiving just a few words from them should be seen not as a reflection of their feelings, but rather as an acknowledgement of your text (and perhaps a reminder that you may have developed an agenda).
3. Try to be honest with yourself about your intention in initiating a text exchange and ask yourself these questions:) Are you seeking affirmation based on how quickly they respond, or how much they write in their response, or their response style? B) While you may have had texting relationships where you are confident you knew their style, do you really have enough experience with this person to know how they use text? C) If you felt rejected in your previous relationship or are struggling with low self-esteem in general, are you using texting to validate that you are “deserving” of their time and attention, as a way to feel better about yourself? Understanding what you are looking for when you send a text to a new person can help you keep their response in perspective and keep you from misinterpreting these few words on a screen from a person you barely know.
4. Do call! Even though it’s old school, a call can sometimes be your best move. Unlike texting, when the person you’re interested in hears your voice and you hear theirs, you can better understand tone, pitch and inflection, providing greater context and making the information you take in more trustworthy. Without hearing the other person’s voice, it’s too easy to impose an unintended tone onto their words, based on whatever you are feeling on that given day about yourself, others, the world, etc. When you funnel texts through your own personal life, brain, and experiences, it might cause you to feel either disappointed or hopeful when that wasn’t the texter’s intention. For obvious reasons, Skype or Facetime can help you understand each other even better, and as always, communicating in person is your best bet!
Don’ts
1. Don’t obsess over how long it takes to respond. Texting someone that you are interested in does not oblige them to respond in accordance with your timeline. Yes, it is possible that texting you back is not their priority early in a relationship. But there are many other possibilities for a delayed response. Maybe the other party (legitimately) did not receive your message, or their phone was off, lost, broken, left somewhere, or the battery died. Even though you may picture the other person having all the time in the world to respond to you, and feeling the same sense of urgency you feel about creating a text connection, in real life, something may have happened — there are problems at work, they are sick emotionally or physically, etc. Because you can’t know why a response is delayed, it’s best not to try to extrapolate meaning based on texting response time, as it will only contribute to unnecessary anxiety and rumination, while providing little if any insight into the possibility of a potential relationship.
2. Don’t text too much personal information too soon (especially not about this or previous relationships!). Just because you would appreciate unsolicited personal information from the other person does not mean they feel the same way. Remind yourself that with someone new, you don’t yet know their boundaries, their comfort with sharing thoughts and feelings, and they don’t know yours, so there is ample opportunity for misinterpretation, confusion, or falling into a TMI trap. Remember that you cannot see how they are receiving what you’ve written, creating a situation that leaves you more vulnerable, which in turn exacerbates your anxiety. Again, your feelings about yourself and the vulnerabilities you’ve shared by text can result in oversharing or in learning information about them before you’re ready to know it. Sharing details about your past, present, or future relationship(s) is far too complex and nuanced to accomplish via text. Save the real stuff for real life!
3. Don’t text anything too provocative. When you make the leap into saying things or sharing pics that are intimate or provocative before really knowing someone, there is a good chance that you’re not enhancing but rather sabotaging the possibility of expanding this texting relationship into a meaningful connection in real life. Texting provocative words or pics may get their attention or create a spark, but it can also cause the relationship to end prematurely, or again, leave you vulnerable and obsessed with what they’re doing with the words and images you sent.
4. Don’t expect a quid pro quo. When you expect a text in return for your text, you may be sabotaging the connection by placing a burden on the other person to respond quickly in a way that feels validating to you. That angle is fraught with pitfalls as they can’t read your mind, their day may not look like your day, and they may not communicate the same way you do. So, if you do initiate communication with a text that says “just thinking about you today,” rather than expecting them to acknowledge your text, picture the other person reading your text and smiling. Sending a meme or an article related to something that you have in common may help you engage the other person while easing your need for a response. Just remember that the absence of a response does not necessarily mean that the other person didn’t appreciate your message.
5. Don’t jump to rejection. If you send a text describing your heartfelt interest in seeing that person again and they don’t respond, or their response doesn’t match what you expressed, do NOT jump right to rejection. Rather, keep the following possibilities in mind: A) You do not know this person’s texting style — hey might not like texting, or they may be inconsistent texters because they don’t consider it an optimal way to respond; B) In general, they don’t use texting as a tool for communicating emotions; C)They may be wary of sending anything that could possibly be misinterpreted; D) They just prefer other forms of communication to texting.
When a relationship is new, it’s easy to seek validation and connection via text… and when you come up empty-handed, it’s easy to misuse or misinterpret texts in a way that undercuts the developing connection. Instead, when you put a text out there to someone new or potentially new, keep it short and simple. Then, once you’ve put that text out there, try and let it go. After all, you don’t know anyone until you know them!
