When we were young, we created many of the patterns that control our adult lives. This can be especially true of relationships – what did you learn to expect in your earliest relationships? Do you expect emotional reciprocity and respect? Or do you expect to be disrespected and rejected? As an adult, it can be hard to break these patterns of expectation.

One pattern I see frequently in my practice is that of patients who, now or when younger, used sex to try to pull an emotionally distant person closer. This tactic, of course, is not to be confused with the kind of sex that helps to bring you and your partner closer or sex that is relaxed and fun. Instead, we’re talking here about the kind of sex that is meant to close a perceived power gap – this person has emotional power over you, and you want very much to even the playing field.

But now what? Maybe sex was the only way he’d let you get close. And now that you’ve created a pattern of pursuing connection primarily by seduction, it can be difficult to see yourself as a person worthy of emotional reciprocity. Now it can be hard to break this pattern. Why? Because it can be mindblowing and terrifying and unreal and exposing to be liked for who you actually are as a whole person.

It can be difficult to believe you are more than the amazing sex you provide. You may feel inadequate or undeserving of a committed, reciprocal relationship. Instead, maybe you feel that you must express gratitude to the person you’re pursuing, through sex or favors or by simply being available. You may believe that in order to have a “real” relationship, what you have to give must make up for the extremely flawed person you perceive yourself to be.

Your friends know you’re worth much more than that. But your desire to win his affection is so intense, it trumps what your friends think. And, you’ve gotten so much reinforcement for your sexual availability that you fall back on it – thereby short-changing all the elements of your personality that your friends love, for the sake of trying to ensnare this object of your desire who doesn’t even remotely reciprocate your interest, but would definitely come over at 3:00am if you let him. With this pattern in place, it’s hard to believe you’re intelligent enough, inspiring enough, amazing enough to deserve “real” love.

And now if you stumble backwards into a relationship in which the guy is, in fact, into you, your feelings of worthlessness and your depleted self-esteem can become a self-fulfilling prophecy – if you believe long enough and with enough conviction that he couldn’t possibly love you for who you are, he may not have the endurance to continue loving you through the fog of your own disbelief.

It’s not rocket science. Here’s an article from 1965 showing that women with low self-esteem are more receptive to short-term romantic attention. Here’s a 1975 article showing that people with high self-esteem are more likely to find romantic love. And here’s a newer study showing that the higher a couple’s combined self-esteem, the higher the commitment and satisfaction in the relationship. In other words, with low self-esteem you keep falling back on sex or other skills of ensnarement instead of working toward experiencing the self-worth that creates love.

There are many signs that a relationship is unbalanced in an unhealthy way. Are you feeling more and more insecure? No matter how much reassurance you receive, is it never enough? Do you need validation to an uncomfortable extreme? Do you feel that when you partner needs space, it’s a direct reflection of not loving you? Do you exhaust yourself looking for reasons to believe he doesn’t love you?

Look at the balance in the relationship – are you pursuing an aloof partner, and if so are you using sex to do it? Has your self-esteem further suffered as a result? Have you done this before? Do you feel like you can’t help it, and you just keep doing it? Do you recognize the toll these behaviors have taken on your self-esteem?

The first step in repairing your self-esteem is deepening your awareness of the patterns that contributed to its disrepair. It’s not your fault and you’re not alone. Many patients and also friends I’ve had through the years are right there with you. Okay, so now that you’ve allowed yourself to acknowledge that sex as a tool and the low self-esteem it can create is a challenge for you, you’ve taken the first step toward diluting the power of this pattern. Knowing this pattern’s early roots (which I’ll explore in my next post, on Thursday) can help you forgive the shame you feel for some of the choices you’ve made. Just remember: working toward this understanding is a continuing process. It’s the journey itself toward self-awareness and self-acceptance that leads to empowerment.

For new posts delivered straight to your inbox (no spam!), subscribe below or consider joining me on Facebook or Twitter.