When you were young and your relationship was new, your needs were relatively simple. The things that excited you about your partner were chemistry and the blissful feeling of reciprocity – you were in love and you were loved in return. It was intoxicating. You were validated both physically and emotionally. Especially when you’re young, or in a new relationship, these blissful, pure experiences can take the relationship a long way.

But as both you and the relationship get older, with your initial, simple set of needs already met by your partner, a new more sophisticated set naturally sprouts up.

Maybe you chose this relationship because it felt safe, and because this initial set of needs was met, your next set, which may for example reflect unmet insecurities or desires, now comes forth and challenges the relationship. As you start to love more and deeper, in a more exposed way, you may now require more from your partner. You might long for more shared interests to give you more stimulating things to talk about. Maybe you need your partner to be more equal as a provider or as a parent, in part as a means of gratifying your deepening longing to be taken care of more fully. Maybe you just need your partner to be more interested in travel so your partner shows flexibility. It could be so many things.

What if it’s your partner’s needs that start to change in a new, unexpected way? That can lead to heartbreak. Yes, you were initially what he (or she) needed. But needs grow. And he just can’t or won’t believe you can still meet him where he is. It can’t go back to how it “used to be.” And thoughts like, “He used to…and now he doesn’t anymore” and, “If only he would just… like he used to…” keep you feeling frustrated and insecure, locked in a position where you can’t change for him or more importantly, for yourself. You remain stuck in a “how it used to be” scenario, which feels awful, and might make you feel angry. Now, if your partner starts relying on someone else to meet these new needs, it can be even messier, and even more heartbreaking. Unfortunately that happens, a lot.

On the other hand, if it’s your needs that are changing in a way that leaves your partner behind, you might be dealing with feelings of guilt and maybe even anger that your partner failed to find a way to meet you where you are. As much as you may want to feel in control by figuring out who deserves blame, these situations are not about blame. It’s no one’s fault. Needs change because people change. Breakups happen.

When trying to avoid a breakup, the answer is not to make your needs secondary to your partner’s by disacknowledging what matters to you to maintain the connection. Doing that can create a one-sided, self-esteem-degrading situation that more often than not is doomed in the long run anyway. Your loyalty and martyrdom are admirable, but your relief and contentment when you begin to let go and take care of yourself mean so much more. It’s critical to hold onto the belief that your needs matter. Otherwise, it’s so difficult to manage your world effectively.

Word to the wise: In those painful situations when your relationship ends because your new, more sophisticated set of needs can’t be met by your partner, or your partner’s needs just can’t be met by you, it can leave you at a disadvantage coming into your next relationship. If your last partner left you feeling insecure, you might look for infinite amounts of validation in your next partner. If you felt stuck in a rut, you might look for infinite amounts of fun and spontaneity and stimulating conversation in your next partner, without recognizing that what you are pulling for is unrealistic, and unfair. You might look to be rescued instead of failed this time, which is a no-win scenario for all involved. The needs that were left unmet in your last relationship are the ones you likely look to fill with your next partner. It’s important to identify if what you require is realistic or not. If you are self aware, you can appreciate, understand and look to have those needs met in a healthy way with your new partner, and most importantly, on your own. Otherwise, it becomes “baggage” and it can be hard to regulate and monitor. It can sabotage a good thing. Knowledge is power and self-knowledge is the ultimate power. Understanding the scars from your previous relationship can help you ensure this baggage doesn’t doom your next relationship before it even starts, by over-burdening it.

Alternatively, in the beautiful case that both partners recognize the struggle but commit to keeping the relationship going, the answer is to try. Whether or not you or your partner is successful in conquering the changes needed within the relationship may not matter as much as the effort. Trying is a kind of validation and acknowledgement in its own right. It signifies that you are shifting and changing and moving and that this process is okay. We all struggle to get our partner to respect or participate in our change. And you may struggle to participate in your partner’s change. But only by trying to change along with your partner, and your partner trying to change along with you, can you continue to acknowledge the importance of those needs, even if you can’t actually fully meet them. When both partners are committed, the key is trying, not necessarily achieving.

Trying to meet your most recent set of needs which you are entitled to have as you mature, honors that people evolve in relationships. If your partner and you are invested in each other, understand that you might not hit the bull’s eye every time you try, but that’s okay. Knowing your partner is invested, and demonstrating that you are willing as well is an important component of what makes a good relationship. Without that effort on both sides, you will not be able to continue to meet each other’s needs. If that’s the case, you deserve a far healthier experience than that. Without reciprocity, mutuality and movement, it becomes a painfully stale experience, in which case, I’m sorry to say, you are better off letting go.

In the case that so often occurs that needs remain unmet, regardless of how hard you and/or your partner have tried, there are a myriad of posts at this site describing how to mourn a breakup and move forward into feeling relieved and open and making room for good things in your life.

For new posts delivered straight to your inbox (no spam!), subscribe below or consider joining me on Facebook or Twitter.