When an epic relationship ends, one of the most tormenting aspects of the loss is that you can think you’re ok, that you’ve weathered the storm. Then, seemingly out of the blue, you plunge right back into confusion, disgust, and fear, all over again. Chances are, the more tumultuous the relationship was while you were in it, the more tumultuous your response in the aftermath of breakup will be.
Why? Because when you’re in a tumultuous relationship, your brain is in a perpetual state of stimulation and intensity. This could mean that when the breakup occurred, you might have gone through periods of relief, even calmness, and then one day, as you’re going along, you are hit with a ton of bricks. The trigger might be something you’re aware of or maybe it just seems random. Post-breakup, your discomfort about the loss might start right away, or a year from now. Either way, when it comes, it won’t be denied.
You may not know what you feel from one minute to the next. You might feel like you are shriveling into nothingness, and then suddenly feel trapped in such rage and shame with no idea how to escape it. It can feel like if you don’t get away from yourself, you’ll explode. It is a toxic, unbalancing experience, which can evoke shame and isolation.
So how is it possible to feel like “nothing” and be on the verge of “exploding” at the same time? When those emotional and physiological reactions happen in close proximity to each other it’s a disorienting, daunting mess. When you were finding ways to survive in the relationship and fighting for your life and your identity, it can be so jarring that you don’t realize, until now, just how traumatized you were by being in the relationship in the first place.
By a “tumultuous” relationship, I mean one in which there was a lot of fighting, bickering, sniping at each other, baiting each other, bullying each other. Its tumultuousness could have also shown in its ability to be full of intensity, resentment, anxiety, jealousy, and yes, often intense passion. But in order to find any balance, you likely remained ready to do damage control much of the time, or were trying to calm yourself or your now ex-partner down. The relationship compelled a heightened state of activity, response, and stimulation in your brain because of the relationship.
Think about it: it’s incredibly disorienting to go from a state in which your neurons fired on all cylinders, to not having that stimulus anymore, as you’re left with that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling. Your brain isn’t used to the decrease in stimulation that comes when you begin to disengage from your ex, and the fighting between you lessens. You’re not yet used to the relative calmness of being alone.
Even when the relationship has been over long enough to recognize you’re better off, you still might undergo periods where you fixate on things that happened in the relationship that upset you, because they continue to remain unresolved. The discomfort of being flung back into the clutches of a painful relationship you thought you had let go of and made peace with creates frustration, which can leak out all over the place, on all the wrong people in all the wrong ways when not monitored. You can feel so blindsided by getting “sucked in” again, that you can even feel out of control. But you’re not. Your feelings are normal!
The feelings you have about the relationship now can feel even more out of control when you were in the relationship. Why? Because in the relationship, those feelings had somewhere to be directed. Now, those feelings no longer have a place to go. And because you recognize that the relationship was more disturbing than healthy, you’re feeling and acting out your trauma, and you’re doing it in a way you couldn’t during the relationship. You couldn’t act out as chaotically as you felt – you were doing your best to manage the tumultuous of it.
Now that it’s over, and your brain is figuring out how to decrease all the stimulation it is used to, it can feel like things in your life that are actually familiar swirl around, bottomless, empty, unidentifiable. It’s painfully disorienting. It is continuing to feel unresolved that plunges you into this place of confusion, chaos, frustration, and anger.
Here’s the thing: You have no way of knowing where you are in the process, no marker to identify when you’ll come to the end of this horrendously disorienting period that feels like a regression. Why are you enraged at your ex 18 months later? Why now, and not before? Why are you hyperventilating while in suffocating agony at the loss now, when the loss in many ways seems long ago?
It’s hard to know what your triggers may be. Perhaps your ex is with someone new. Perhaps you’re with someone new. Or maybe it’s some unidentifiable reason that you feel this all-consuming, completely disorienting response that evokes such shame and destabilization.
Know that you’re not alone. This is an extremely common experience. The circumstances within the relationship, the feelings it evoked in you, and its breakup are not yet resolved for you. It’s ok that you’re not done grieving, that you’re not done processing the loss.
Your reactions, regardless of when you have them, are part of your process. That’s how to understand what you’re going through. Rather than feeling angry at yourself for falling backwards or “regressing”, try to feel compassion for the fact that the aspects of your trauma that are being triggered didn’t have a way of expressing themselves until now, so you’re getting them out.
Keep in mind that while allowing your process to unfold along its natural, normal path, be cautious to exercise caution when your plunge takes you into rage and the urge for destruction of self or other. When you are digging yourself into a hole and backing yourself into a corner because you are so angry at what remains unresolved, remember that even though your ex is the source of your rage, it’s still not up to your ex to make it better. Your ex is still unable to handle your rage, your anxiety, your frustration, your fear. You climbed in, and it’s only you who can get yourself out.
Whether you like it or not, this is your natural progression. Just do your best to take care of yourself without acting in destructive ways that dig deeper into your trauma. With time, it will pass. With self-knowledge and self-compassion you will eventually find an end to your confusion. The responsibility is in first recognizing the connection between your behavior now and giving yourself a break about where it came from. Identifying what is happening and why can help you feel more in control. The very act of recognizing the connection empowers you to get through this setback.
This is exactly what I needed to know, 2 years after the toxic relationship ended. I felt ashamed and confused. Thank you.
This was so helpful! I was stuck and angry and I didn’t know why. Thank you so much. <3
Incredible article. I felt as if you were speaking directly to me in regards to my current breakup. Thank you for writing this, you’ve made sense of so many intense feelings I’ve been experiencing. I feel an odd sense of relief in knowing my seemingly crazy feelings are just undirected intensity and I’m going to remember that when they occur.
My ex and I are best friends, we broke up a year ago and it was ugly , a part of me died with that relationship. He broke me. I didn’t talk to him for a long time because I needed time.. I ended up sleeping with someone else to feel like a woman again. I am single now because I don’t trust anyone to be in my life as a partner..for me this is safe. I always say I love him but I am NOT in love with him and I feel that’s true but he recently got into a relationship and my feelings are all over the place and I just don’t know what to do so I am here reading all your blogs etc to try and figure it out before I make myself crazy. I am glad i stumbled on to your page thank you.
Thank you for publishing this information so others like myself don’t feel as though we are wrong or “crazy” for feeling this way. Well meaning and possibly some not so well meaning friends say you are crazy for being sad. He was a jerk, don’t waste anymore time thinking about him. Yet I replay arguments or happy times in my head trying to figure out what went wrong. I am a fixer by nature and it makes me great at my job and process improvement. However this quality is torturing me because I must know all the ways he and I went wrong and how we could have done better. I ask myself if I would have done things differently would we still be together and would we be happy? We both made mistakes but I wonder if I lost the love of my life? Did I make mistakes that made me lose my best chance at love and a happy life? Why did I mess this up? I am so sad and lonely without him. My days and nights are filled with regret and tears. I blame myself for getting upset when together over things that seem small now without him. I know all the hoping won’t turn back time. He moved on and is in a relationship with someone 8 years younger than me. He always wanted me to be thinner and more fit. That hurt me so I wouldn’t do it to defy him. Now I wonder if I should have.
Thank you. I needed this.
No words could describe how well you have written this article that as if you have just experienced breakup by yourself. I just brokeup with my ex-today. I am basically all over the place and like all your articles, I just need to be compassionate to myself and embrace the grieving process. The relief and comfort that I get from you is the assurance that all this is normal. Once again, thank you.
Thankyou for writing this Dr Suzanne, I agree with the others, it’s as if you’re there talking me through my emotions.
My ex broke up with me a few days ago, she works in investment banking and I know it can get ruthless in that field of work. We travelled together, enjoyed Many experiences including a yoga retreat in Thailand and started getting to know each other on a more intimate basis. She has a french background unlike myself growing up in Australia which made communication sometimes challenging but it was fun. Looking back, there were times that I feel we were great together but there were also ups and downs in the 3 months we were together. She had recently met up with a friend who had been through a divorce and my comments about love were taken to be a subliminal message to her although I had nothing but the purest of intentions. I talked about there being 4 types of love, a love that starts small and grows smaller with time (no one wants this), a love that starts small and grows bigger with time, a love that starts big and grows smaller with time and a love that starts big and grows bigger with time(everyone wants this). In my view, the only way for a relationship (including marriage) to end up with a love that grows bigger with time is for both partners to have complete trust with each other, be able to freely and honestly talk to each other without feeling like they’re being judged or subliminal messages sent, and to ensure that you both are able to forgive and love each other genuinely. Speaking for myself and I hope it’s the same with many others, the last thing I would want to a partner is for them to be hurt, for them to feel sadness or for them to hold feelings and emotions from within and allow them to boil over. My mistake was that I had never said I loved you because it wasn’t a feeling that I was feeling at the time, I would not want to say something I did not truly mean and I did not have those feelings yet although she was growing on me and I had on several instances pictured a future together. It ended with her saying that she had never dated a person who wasn’t french and that it was an overall feeling that she couldn’t describe and didn’t want to get into details about.
Unfortunately, it has been a rollercoaster ride for me to get over the fact that I feel no closure. I am deeply saddened by this especially considering that I had introduced her to so many of my friends in such a short period of time and now we have mutual friends in common. Focus is something hard to do as my head keeps on replaying specific moments where we upset each other and how I handled it. I keep blaming myself which I know is unhealthy but is part of the process. Speaking for myself, the way I attempt to overcome this feeling is by replaying that specific moment in my head and really torturing myself whether it be at the gym by spending 3 hours nonstop trying to break myself or boxing with a trainer trying to get rid of those negative feelings. I want to cry and tears sometimes surface on my eyes but then I get this gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and I am just not able to cry. I’m a very positive person and I hate messing about with peoples emotions as karma will always bite back. My suggestion to all those who are going through pain is to always be positive. Have faith in yourself and set new goals. This may seem silly but I’ve set myself a goal to be on the front cover of a men’s health magazine, people laugh and I always laugh last because it just adds to the fuel which fires my ambition to prove to myself first and then everyone around me that you really can do anything you put your mind to doing. You as a human are the only one that creates limitations for yourself so set the bar high and remember that you are not damaged, you are not broken, you are amazing and it is the loss of the other person for not having faith in you or your relationship together. Life hits you hard sometimes and there will always be ups and downs so stay strong, pain is weakness escaping and you are on your way to becoming a better version of yourself. People have different outlets which will help them overcome that gut wrenching feeling, make sure you stick those outlets are ones which make you a better version of yourself. Don’t hurt yourself more by turning to alcohol or drugs. You are loved, you are not alone, be grateful for what you have and always thank god for he has given you health, a roof over your head, a beautiful smile and the gift of being able to forget and move on to a bigger and brighter future. Believe in yourself and never change who you are trying to deal with an ordeal, instead embrace it and open your eyes to helping those around you. Ask others how they are, genuinely be interested in listening to others who may be going through a rough time without you knowing and always smile.
I remember an eye opening moment for me was when I was in the city once after a difficult ordeal and I would meet random homeless people and buy them a meal and eat with them and hear their story. It changes your perspective because you are currently thinking that it could never get lower than how you are feeling about the ordeal or breakup then you meet someone who is less fortunate and this makes you so much more grateful about your situation and puts light that your situation is nothing compared to the smile you just saw in the face of someone less fortunate.
Light up the world with your beautiful smile and remember that people are attracted to the energy you radiate so make it positive and full of love and that special someone who is meant for you will find their way to you!
this is awesome! Thank you for sharing your story and positive advice.:)